Miscarrying When Far From Home

Last month, Steve and I went to a local private clinic here in Nampula for an ultrasound. We were so excited to be expecting our 3rd child early next year! We needed to check on the baby’s dating, because my 6 week ultrasound showed a beating heart but the baby measured quite behind. My midwife in the States encouraged me to get another one. I was supposed to be 12 weeks that day. The doctor put the scope on my abdomen. We could all see the baby. But there was no movement or heartbeat. I suggested to him in Portuguese to try another view (trying not to be pushy, and holding off my identity as someone in the healthcare field). 2nd view, 3rd view, 4th view. Nothing. He measured baby: 8 weeks. The baby had passed a month prior.

 

Devastated. Heartbroken. Surprised. The conversation immediately went to “Have you had any bleeding? Have you had a miscarriage before? Here are your options…” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, buddy! I was trying to hold it together and realize what just happened. Shock makes your brain numb.  All of a sudden, the Spanish accent of our Cuban doctor was thicker than before and I needed a play by play of each sentence. I so wish I had misunderstood him before when I was on the table and that this was all wrong and that there actually was a heartbeat. Steve had to translate everything after that point, because I just wanted to make sure I really understood everything correctly. Unfortunately, I did and nothing could change what had to happen next. We found ourselves waiting to pick up pills at the pharmacy and waited again after that to pay for the visit. Those 30-minute felt like an eternity. I just wanted to run away. What was supposed to be a joyful appointment turned into a gut-wrenching experience. We left the office with an ultrasound photo of our dead baby and pills to pass him/her at home. It was horrible.

 

As soon as I got home, I called my midwife back in the States. It was so nice to have someone I knew and trusted to guide me, even if she was so far away. But that day, I really wished she wasn’t so far away. I even phoned an OBGYN missionary friend of ours to discuss what the doctor said and confirm the next plan of care. It felt so freeing to ask her questions too. But, again, she was countries away, as well. What I went through those next 72 hours was scary. I didn’t know what to expect. And, honestly, I felt bad for not knowing nor understanding. I’m a midwife… why didn’t I know this better? But, it’s because I wasn’t usually on this end of managing care. But, now? Now, I know. What I wanted right then was a midwife to midwife me through this miscarriage. It felt like an unassisted homebirth of death. Steve was right there with me, but he didn’t know what to expect either. As the days went on, I had some needs arise that I was able to go back to the local clinic to take care of. But, being able to talk candidly in my native language wasn’t an option, which felt incredibly isolating. So, in the upcoming weeks, I just didn’t go back. And the way things are done here without follow-up nursing care made me feel like I was kind of on my own for further issues, explanations, and plans of care. I hated feeling like I was my own provider. Despite popular belief, a midwife cannot midwife herself!

 

Journaling was so helpful and healing the next few weeks. Getting words out on my computer screen aloud me to articulate the pain that was in my heart. Sharing my writings with close family and friends provided a bit of relief from my heavy burden. Genuine tears and hugs could be felt through each FaceTime call, despite the 2, 6, and 9-hour time zone differences. One of our family members even offered to fly in from the northern part of the continent to be with us. Ironically, Africa is so large that she is equidistant from us as she is to our family in south Florida. So, basically it would still cost a fortune! We were already scheduled for furlough in 2 months. Home was just around the corner. We even had a situation come up where we considered going to South Africa for medical attention, but after wise counsel and the Holy Spirit’s peace, we stayed. We just wanted to escape Mozambique! We were at the end of our term, and we were already facing some burn out and discouragement. This just added insult to injury. But God wasn’t letting us leave just yet. He provided a beautiful community of friends around us to bring us meals, cry with us, watch our girls, and be supportive listening ears as we walked this path of loss and grief.

 

Reading the book of Job in the Bible has also been a great source of encouragement. Job was a godly man who was wealthy in every form of the word (large family, successful business, grand house, good reputation, health). Satan attributed Job’s faithfulness to God only because of how externally blessed he was. God gave Satan permission to take those things from him, first everything except his health, but then that too. All of his family died except his wife who told Job to curse God and die. But Job didn’t. He stayed faithful to God. He did, however, grow incredibly discouraged and cursed the day he was born. His closest friends insisted he did something wrong. He defended his righteousness to God and had many questions for Him. And then God spoke. He never answered Job’s questions, but He did ask Job about creation and what it was like running it. He asked Job how it was controlling the largest creatures of earth, forming their young in utero, and making the earth supply its food.

 

Job’s WHY’s turned into WOW’s. “I am unworthy– how can I reply to You? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer– twice, but I will say no more.” (Job 40: 4-5 NIV) Sometimes our horrible experiences can make us forget Who God is: sovereign, mighty, holy. He sees the WHOLE picture and controls it all. Thankfully, He is also a loving God Who is not far from us. In fact, not only is He always near, He is well-acquainted with grief. Jesus came to this earth and lived a human life that included loss, shock, betrayal, and trauma. God knows innocent suffering. And because of it, there is grace. Thankfully one day, He’s going to heal this earth of its pain. This hope means more to me now after this experience, as well as after having lived in one of the poorest countries in the world for the last 2 years. But, right now, starvation, corruption, and injustice still happen. But all of these travesties still have to go through Him to happen. And He IS working it into His greater plan for His Kingdom. I don’t want to know WHY my baby died. There’s not a good enough reason I can think of right now. But I know my God. He is Creator of all and He “fits [everything] into a pattern for good, to those who love [God] and are called according to [His] design and purpose.” (Romans 8:28 AMP) He can redeem anything and He does.

 

From this experience, I’ve also learned a great deal of how to best support women going through a miscarriage, close by and from far away.

 

1.) Ask how they are doing TODAY. If you’re around others or it’s not a good time of day, maybe ask in private or ask if they’d like to carve out a better time for them to talk about it. You don’t have to have gone through the experience to be supportive. Maybe even say that. “I’ve never gone through this, but I care about you and am here for you to listen about your experience.” Leave room for pause. Presence is powerful. Read their journals. Share their burden with your time and attention. It might mean all the difference to them, especially if they are feeling far from God and His love. You can be His love to them that day.

 

2.) Ask how can you can help them, BUT BE SPECIFIC. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you” is a wonderful sentiment, but someone going through trauma and loss needs to be given choices like a toddler. Their brain is fried. Remember how I said “shock makes your brain go numb”? “Which night can I bring you dinner: Wednesday or Thursday?” “I would love to have your girls over. Does right now work from 12-4 or tomorrow morning from 8-12?” (Also, handing them a frozen meal as they come to pick up their kids is a good way to kill 2 birds with one stone! A frozen meal overseas is the equivalence of a restaurant gift card: use it whenever it’s convenient.) “When you are back in the States, our family wants to provide a special get away for you and your family to look forward to. May we do that for you? If so, does the 3rd week of the January work for you?” The griever doesn’t want to put anyone out. And the giver need not extend beyond what they are able to do. Come up with a plan and offer it to her. It’s a win/win.

 

3.) Check in REGULARLY. Texts or calls don’t have to be made everyday. Initially, everyday texts may be important. But even if the griever doesn’t get back to you, she sees your call or email and is reminded that she’s not alone. She sees that she’s not forgotten. She sees that her baby is not forgotten. Let her lead. If she’s fine, great, be fine together! Laugh, eat ice cream, do something enjoyable. But if she’s not doing well that day, let her not be ok. Let her be messy and wrong and raw. But, do remind her of truth afterwards: the truth of God’s love, the truth of your faithful friendship, the truth that she’s doing the best she can and that she’s not alone. Some people just need to verbally process and figure out how they feel as they talk. Mourn with those who mourn. And, remember, you’re not supposed to cry more than her! But if you do, she’ll love you for your tears for her. This is a journey that doesn’t just take place when she passes the baby or the bleeding stops. Grief will creep up around the corner when she least expects it. Even if she told you last week that she is doing better, ask her next week and next month again. Surprise triggers may be her 3-year-old randomly asking “Mommy, why did the baby die?”  She may start unexpectedly bleeding again within those first 6 weeks and it will bring back the trauma and grief of the miscarriage that happened “a while ago” and tears come up when she thought she was “done.” She’ll see a friend or an announcement on social media that will remind her that she isn’t making that same announcement as she had anticipated. She may open her calendar for one reason, but then be choked up with grief when she sees that this was the week she would have gone for the ultrasound that would have revealed boy or girl.

 

I know that I don’t speak for all women. In fact, you may have gone through a miscarriage and disagree with some of these points. It’s common to not want to talk about it. For some, it’s a very private matter and sharing about it will bring up the trauma all over again. You may not want to be bombarded with the condolences and/or open yourself up to people who may not take care of your raw feelings very well. In this culture already, I’ve been told “Oh, you’ll be ok. You’ll have 10 more babies!” My heart shut down right there. It’s a sweet sentiment, but that doesn’t acknowledge my current loss nor does the thought of 10 more babies comfort my recent pain! People don’t share because of dismissive comments like that. Not saying anything isn’t the best either. So, learn from this and be sensitive. Listen. For me, I needed to talk things out and be heard and cared for well. So, I share my experience with you, because I want to help women going through this kind of loss and also help their loved ones know how to best support them.

 

You see, losing an unborn baby feels like an invisible loss. Most people didn’t even know he or she existed since they were never born (or let’s face it: announced on Facebook!). But the mom and family know. The mom made plans in her mind and already envisioned a nursery. The dad pictured being tummeled by 3 girls in fairy dresses or throwing ball with his first son. They miss what they had (growing pregnant tummy) and what they could of had (a baby in their arms and a new sibling for their children). The best piece of comforting advice I’ve received so far is this: “You’ll NEVER stop missing your baby. You’ll NEVER stop wanting to meet him or her.” Sometimes you will feel the deep longing greatly and other times it will be small. But you’ll never stop. That felt so reassuring. Because there are days that I’m happy. And then I feel a little guilty that I forgot about my sadness. I don’t ever want to forget his or her memory. That’s my baby. Forever. And it feels good to know that I won’t ever forget him or her. And one day, I’ll meet this precious life. And when I do, all of my sadness will be wiped away. All of my why’s will ultimately turned into wow’s as I once and for all meet my Creator. Questioning His plan will be the farthest thing from me. But, for now, I’m reminded of His love and sovereignty through His creation, my loving family and friends, and the hope that He is producing in me through my suffering.

 

“We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our heart through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5 NIV)

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-17 NIV)

 

Our first 3 weeks in Africa

Overwhelming. Overstimulating. Overjoyous. These are the best 3 words to describe the last 21 days. Adjusting to our new lives here in Nampula has been A LOT. It’s been harder than I expected, more exhausting than I anticipated, but it’s also been more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. Like any major transition, balancing life again takes time. The process cannot be rushed. Giving myself grace is the name of the game. I must enjoy this season for what it is, because soon enough, it will change!
 
So, what’s been OVERWHELMING? Safety, water, and health. As teenagers, both Steve and I spent time in southern Africa on month-long mission trips. When I was single, I lived in northern Africa for a fall semester teaching at a small Christian missionary school. However, being here with little kids who we are in charge of is a whole new ballgame! The safety concerns in Nampula are similar of living in a big metropolis city, such as Los Angeles (only this is Africa). Poverty is rampant. Jobs are scarce. Crimes of convenience are the main concern. Having bars line each window of the house is a must, employing a night guard is needed, and owning a few big dogs that roam around the house inside the gate is normal. Purses must be kept zipped tight with an overlapping flap and closeby to avoid pick-pocketting. Nothing of great value should be openly worn or held out (like an iPhone) or left out in the car (like a diaper bag). While driving, windows are rolled up and doors are locked.

We are using an MAF vehicle, which has manual everything, and there’s even a particular way to lock the passenger side from the outside. Not only do we need to remember to lock our doors each time we climb in and out, but we need to turn around and lock the kids’ doors too. The other day, I came THIS close to locking Hannah IN the car! I did the whole “hold-in-the-handle-while-locking-the-inside-button-then-release-to-shut-the-door” to lock my door, but I forgot to unlock Hannah’s side! I thought she was locked in! Thankfully, Bekah’s door was still open. Phew.

Water is a little tricky here. From the faucet, one can wash hands and bathe, but after the dishes are washed, they must be dipped in a basin of bleach water to be sanitized (gallon-size basin with a cap full of bleach). All fruits and vegetables must also be soaked in this bleach water mixture for 20 minutes to be santized. If the type of produce is very porous (like lettuce), then it’s better to soak it in a vineager mixture (same amount of water, but with 2 cap fulls of vinegar) for 40 minutes. Drinking water comes from a filter that sits on the counter. Before we can pour water into the filter, it first must be boiled. We cook with, brush our teeth with, and drink filtered water only. Try telling that to a 19-month-old! Every now and then I catch her drinking the bath water. Oh boy.

From the moment we arrived here, the girls have enjoyed getting dirty. All the other kids run around without shoes, so they want to go barefoot, as well. Cuts and scrapes have to be treated a little more cautiously around here to prevent greater infection. So, after the cut is cleaned with soap and water or alcohol, it needs to be covered with a band-aid until it is mostly healed. Preventing bug bites is also important, because malaria is so prevalent. Screens line every window. Each bed is covered with a mosquito net hanging from the ceiling.  Bug spray must be applied around dusk, when mosquitoes tend to be more prevalent.

Even with all of those precautionary measures, poor little Hannah has been bitten several times. By our 3rd day here, she had 2 bites on her eyelid that swelled up so much that she could only slightly open her eye. When she woke up from her nap the next day, she was screaming and rubbing her eye (which only made it worse). Concerned that the inflammation was turning into an actual infection, we phoned the MozMed nurse Bart and brought her over as soon as we could to have him and Doctor Nico (who just moved here from the Netherlands the previous day) take a look. Both of them agreed that it still just looked like normal swelling, but they gave us sterile gauze to use as a cold compress to alleviate the swelling. They came by our house the next day to check on her, and, thankfully, the swelling went down. What a scare. And what a blessing to have this medical team here with such quick access.
I woke up that next day in tears. The stress of that situation drained me. There were so many new things all at once. I felt for a moment “undone.” I needed a good cry. I needed to talk to God and tell Him all those feelings: fear, being overwhelmed, relief. I was then reminded of: His promises in His Word, how He has worked in my past, how He has called us here to this land, and that He would always be with us. Peace, hope, and joy settled in. I love how the Holy Spirit works. Steve took the girls outside to play. I had the whole house to myself. I turned on some music and cleaned and organized my kitchen. I bleached those dishes. I filtered that water. I soaked that lettuce in some vinegar water. My new normal had begun. And this was me embracing it at the top of my lungs singing to my familiar American music!

So, what’s been OVERSTIMULATING? Finally being a part of the Mozambique MAF team in country and experiencing new day-to-day “normals” in a new culture. Who said being overstimulated was a negative thing, per se? It’s been wonderful…sometimes too wonderful. Sometimes, Steve and I have to make ourselves stop talking about the day, because it’s 1am and we need to go to sleep!

Just 4 days after arriving, our team had our yearly Ministry Plan meeting. It lasted 8 hours. What a fabulous opportunity to learn all about what the MAF program has been doing this last year and what future plans lie ahead. We discussed the program’s strengths, weaknesses, what could be changed, and what we thought should remain. We prayed together as a team that God would give us a vision of what He wants us to do and to stir in us the passion to carry it out. Talk about being overstimulated. Vision and passion came oozing out of our brain cells and hearts that night. What a privilege to have been intentionally invited to this meeting as part of the team! We were honored!

Last Sunday, we attended our first African church service as a family here. Djembes (traditional African drums), tamborines, triangles, and maracas were dispersed throughout the congregation of nearly 50 adults and 25 children. A choir of 6 adults sang and danced up the aisle in acapela leading the rest of us in praise and worship. The babies who were tied to their mother’s back just bobbled as their mommas praised God in song and dance. Hannah’s hips swayed, Bekah’s feet moved from side to side. One can’t help but clap and dance to the beat. Familiar hymns like “Tudo Entregarei” (“I Surrender All”) were sung with an African twist. We loved it. Children’s church was held on the side of the church under a thatched roof. Two dozen children ages 1-11 sat on a bamboo mat and colored a half-sheet Bible story page. We sang some songs and played a few games. I was impressed with the children’s patience as the whole service lasted 2 ½ hours. When we returned home, we ate a brief lunch and slept the afternoon away.

So, what have we been OVERJOYED about? Ah, where do I begin?! Being able to speak the language of the locals, being BACK in Nampula and reconnecting with old friends, and watching both Steve and I tap into our dreams come true. How’s that for starters? Ha, I know. A bit of a romanticist view, but just read on. Only God could write this story.

Both Steve and I have traveled to many countries before and the most difficult aspect of getting around is the inability to communicate. So, what a refreshing feeling to be in such a new and unfamiliar place but be able to: read road signs, food labels, and billboards; understand greetings, musical lyrics, and how much something costs; be able to reply with appropriate responses, tell the grocer what you’re looking for, and surprise a local by asking them how they are doing today. What a difference from arriving to Portugal last year! Yay that even though we transitioned again to a new country, we didn’t have to be lost in the language! Even the double kiss on the cheek is the same! Yippee!

For me, being back in Nampula felt familiar. For two and a half years, we have been preparing to come here: emailing the team with questions, reading up on Mozambique’s culture/ blogs of people living here, and praying for the people God has called us to move across the world to live in community with. But for me, I WAS RETURNING to Mozambique. Fifteen years ago, I came here on my first short-term mission trip with Teen Missions International to help build a hospital. I told the missionary surgeon who we were helping that I wanted to be a midwife one day and maybe I’d return in the future. His ministry of meeting physical needs and then sharing Christ with them made a great impact on me that summer, leaving me with a lasting call to overseas full-time Christian missionary work. And now, I’m BACK. I’ve got my Master’s in Nursing as a certified nurse-midwife and family nurse practitioner. I’ve got my kids with me. I’ve got my missionary pilot husband with me. I’m all in.

Guess who else is here? My former Teen Missions leader Lori and her husband Victor and their 4 children. I haven’t seen her since summer of 2000. They just arrived here last month! Lori and her family have been living about 2 hours away from Nampula for the last decade or so and have just relocated for the first time in their family’s life. They are the leaders of Youth With A Mission (YWAM: Christian discipleship training) who just took over the missionary compound here where we were living our first 2 weeks. We are practically neighbors! Is God cool or what? And she’s expecting her 5th baby next month! I think I was in country less than 2 hours before I was already doing Leopold’s maneuvers (common method of determining the baby’s position) on her pregnant belly. After over 2 years of not attending a birth (besides giving birth myself), I am hoping to be a support person for my dear friend’s birth!

With a growing aviation program and the preparation for half the team to be gone for furlough this fall, Steve is excited about getting back in the air and growing in leadership. Last Saturday, he flew his first airplane since April 2014! He was so excited. With a growing MozMed team (flying doctor service to the unreached parts of northern Mozambique), a Cessna 208 Caravan arriving early next year, and 3 new pilots arriving within the next 12 months, he is overjoyed to be here in this growing and changing season of our program.

Thank you for sharing in our adventures by reading our blog, praying for us, and cheering us on. With all these new changes, we are so thankful for a God Who has been so faithful to us and doesn’t change. And we are so thankful for our family and friends who have stuck by us all these years, no matter how many miles separate us. Thank you!

Some pictures of our first 3 weeks…

Our 29-hr journey from Coimbra, Portugal to Nampula, Mozambique. Hannah barely slept. Bekah fell asleep just fine. The rising South African sun was so promising and gorgeous. One of my favorite memories: explaining to Bekah what a squatty-potty was in the Johannesburg airport! That was the first hint we were definitely in Africa.

Our home on the YWAM base the first 2 weeks, then we moved into our teammates house (about a 7 min drive away) where we’ll stay until our shipment arrives (4-6 months). Finally, we will move one last time (hopefully for a while)!

The girls make friends wherever they go.

My cooking endeavors: pumpkin muffins and olive/bacon pizza (ALL from scratch, baby!).

New way of life… At YWAM, trash is collected in a pit, then burned. Lixo means trash. Laundry is done in a central building, by someone hired to put it in the washer and then hang it on the line. You pay per load and get a book of tickets (about $2 per load– not bad!). It must be dropped off first thing in the morning (7-10a)… about a 6 min walk from our house. Steve learning how to drive on the left side of the road. Would you believe we are BOTH independently driving now?! Praising God for courage!

In 3 short weeks, we celebrated 4 special dates: Father’s Day (June 21^st), our 8^th Wedding Anniversary (June 23^rd), Mozambique’s Independence Day (June 25^th), America’s Independence Day (July 4^th).

T-minus 2 weeks!

Transition. Travel. Time’s up! Our year-long language study here in Portugal has come to an end, and our adventure in Mozambique is just about to start! We are excited, nervous, and hopeful. Steve is ready to get in the air! I am ready to be settled. The girls are excited about… well, whatever we are excited about 🙂

We all completed our last days of language school this past week. What an accomplishment and great feeling to finally be done! Steve completed the B1+ level, and I completed the B1 level. Both are at the intermediate level. We learned grammar structure, how to write sentences, reading, pronunciation, verbal communication, and Portuguese history and culture. What a rich foundation to our Portuguese language journey! I can honestly say that we are conversational, and yet we are humbly reminded each day that we still have much to learn. This evening, our graduation was held in a ceremonial room in the Faculdade de Letras building where we studied all year. Bekah and Hannah finished their last day of school with homemade brownies for their classmates and little gifts, thank you notes, and pictures for all of their teachers. Bekah’s pre-school and Hannah’s daycare were much more than a place we could take the girls to be cared for while we attended class. The girls also received rich Portuguese teaching. They were immersed each day in the language and absorbed their environment, as little ones do so well. Bekah learned how to do little science experiments, make a camera out of a cardboard box, and bake a cake all in Portuguese. She learned how to communicate with her friends to share toys, swings, and hair bows. Her creativity and curiosity grew as a pre-schooler, but also as a little bi-lingual learner. Hannah grew from crawling to walking, baby food to little sandwiches, and shaking rattles to shaking her little hips to Portuguese kids music. Her only clear word is still “Olá” (hello). If you tell her to “anda cá,” she will indeed “come here.” She hates to be told to “senta-se” (sit down) and will cry when she hears the word “não” (no). If you bring your face close to her and say “beijinhos” she will give you a little kiss. Her Portuguese language learning foundation has probably surpassed us all 😉

What an incredible year it has been. The transition overseas has been more wonderful and more difficult than I expected. However, it has still ended up being more rewarding than I imagined and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Culture shock is a funny thing, as I have mentioned in the previous blog post. When we first arrived in June, we loved everything about Portugal (the classic honeymoon phase). Then, about 3 months into it, everything that was a little annoying before, became really frustrating and nearly disheartening. Thankfully, that phase didn’t last more than a few months, and we were able to finally come to terms with the “change the things you can, accept the things you can’t, and have wisdom to know the difference” (from the Serenity prayer). In January, I finally found where I could buy certain foods that I thought were just absent from the country (ie: bacon, decent ground beef, microwave popcorn, etc..). I learned short cuts home from school and started driving to places by myself. I learned which grocery line to go in, and which to steer clear from. I might miss my bus, but then realize why (or not) and be ok with it instead of overly frustrated and mad. Hannah started sleeping through the night (KEY!) and so did I. I started running again. I started getting back into spending time each morning in prayer and reading my Bible instead of just when I had time.  I started to find balance. I started feeling a bit more healthy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I started making this place home. And about 2 months ago, it hit me that we were moving again and I would miss our new home.  So, I started to love (verb) everything I loved… spending more time with those things, those people, those moments. Because when this precious chapter is over, it’s those things/ people/ places that I will miss. The annoying things will be a distant memory, but my heart will ache for…
 
My Friday morning coffee/ Bible study girlfriends, my international fellow Portuguese language study buddies Eri (from Japan) and Ela (from Poland)

The view from our window at home. It still takes my breath away… every. single. time.

Date night. A reliable baby-sitter, the safety of going out at night, delicious international cuisine restaurants, the endless streets we could walk at night with beautiful scenery, history, and adventure.

These are just a few things that I will miss about Portugal. But probably the thing I will miss the most? How we grew as a family together. The frustrating times, the happy times, the growing times. The Hannah-learning-to-walk times, the Bekah-climbing-out-her-window-to-say-“hi”-to-the-chickens time, the breakfast-in-bed-Mother’s-Day time, the we’re-late-to-school-so-let’s-run-up-the-hill-as-fast-as-we-can times, the tickles-on-the-bed times, etc… You get it 🙂 But the good thing is, as we pack and sort and have to decide on what we can take to Mozambique and what we can’t, we will always be able take our memories with us wherever we go. Because home is not a place. Home is where my family is.

See you on the flip side!

Culture shock is fun when it’s not you

My parents just recently visited us here in Portugal. It was my Mom Anna’s 2nd time to Portugal (toured Europe with her sister Cynthia when they were in their 20’s), but it was my Dad John’s first time overseas. FIRST TIME.

We just had some new MAF teammates from America join us here in Coimbra for Portuguese language learning 1 week before my parents got here. They will be here for a year, like us, then move to Mozambique too. We had the privilege of orienting them: grocery stores, where to get needed paperwork done for their stay, where/how to register for classes/ daycare, and teach them a few local customs (double kiss on the cheeks, etc…). A pilot/mechanic and a high school math teacher… quick-learners, well-traveled, smart, logical, new parents, as sweet as can be. NOT THEIR FIRST TIME OVERSEAS.

Who was most amusing to show around town?

My Dad.

Oh, his face. PRICELESS.

Roasted pig on a spit over a fire is a very popular food here (Leitão). So, naturally, you can buy a pig at the grocery store. 7 euro per kilo. What a deal!

I’m not quite sure how to eat chicken feet. But, good for them not letting that part of the body go to waste! 5 euro for a bag of 3 dozen feet!

At our 2 major grocery stores here, you have to insert a 50 cent coin to “rent” a shopping cart. Once you return it, you get your money back. Great way to keep carts organized, because everyone wants their 50 cents back! I go a step further and have this plastic 50 cent coin… ensures that I always have that size coin available and don’t spend it!

When this beauty drove by, Dad just hysterically laughed. He thought it was a joke. “I’ve heard of these, but I’ve never seen one up close! They’re so small!” He waited for the driver and his wife to park and walk inside the store before he started inspecting it, peaking inside, and measuring the length of the vehicle with his feet (yes, he walked it out… 8 feet). Then he had to get a picture with it and tell a joke. “What does the smart car say it wants to be when it grows up? A VW bug!” Hillarious, Dad 🙂

Mom had to get a picture of the one plugged in. She was more impressed with the technology than tickled by it’s tiny appearance like Dad 🙂

We were so excited to teach Mom and Dad about some of the Portuguese we’ve been learning. But this one still makes us a little batty. The “u” is an “oo” sound like in noodle. The “x” is a “sh” sound like in shout. The “e” is often silent when it’s at the end of a word. So how is this word pronounced? P-OO-SH. Like “push.” And what does that word on the door mean? Pull. Ugh! Go figure.

Before we went food shopping at the mall one morning, Dad and I decided to go upstairs and get a cup of coffee. We sat down and started sipping. Now Dad likes to take his time and nurse his cup o’ joe. “Maybe we can get these in paper to-go cups so we can start shopping?” I asked the baristas in Portuguese. But, alas, they just shook their head like nobody had ever asked such a silly question before. No paper cups to-go. You sit and enjoy your café here in Portugal. Or you get a shot of expresso like every other local and down it in 2 minutes while at a standing table top. THAT is to-go. And if you really want fast-food with the convenience of drive-thru and paper products, McDonald’s is the only place with that combo. There’s 2 in town. That’s it. No other drive-thru’s. Definite culture shock for this American! (To be fair, we were in shock too when we first moved here.)

To give him some major credit, my dad really did do a fantastic job adjusting to his first travels overseas. He really did. When we ordered cod fish (bacaulhau) and goat stew (very popular traditional Portuguese dishes) at a top notch authentic restaurant here in town, he happily tried it and ate it. And even had seconds! When Steve and I took Mom and Dad to listen to traditional Portuguese music (Fado), he bought a CD and shook hands with the artist. When we ventured outside of town to explore ancient Roman ruins and a castle from the 1st century AD (the city of Conímbriga and Montemore-o-Velho Castle) in the rain on an ice cold day, he followed along, listened to the tour by Steve, and even conquered his fear of heights by traversing the inside of the fort’s walls along an extremely narrow walkway. I am so proud of my Dad for venturing beyond his comfort zones and being so brave!

But, isn’t it MOST fun when it’s not YOU going through the shock of culture?!

These were just some of the fun highlights of their trip here. And their time here was a short 2 weeks. But what about those of us who have just enough time to adjust, then it’s time to leave? Like me! 1 year is the perfect storm. The first 3 months, I loved everything about Portugal. Everyone recycles, so many at-home gardens, friendly neighbors, etc… I could go on. And what I didn’t like, I thought was cute and quirky. The following 3 months, everything that I thought was cute and quirky became less cute and quirky, maybe even a little irritating! Buses sometimes being on their own timetable and missing them even though I was on time, no central heating and constantly being cold everywhere I go, the Portuguese obsession of putting an egg in/on just about everything (including their pizzas!), and not being able to express myself in Portuguese like an adult.

But then, we went out of town for Christmas break. I got a break from our environment for a little bit, visited Steve’s sister and her family, and returned from a different foreign country. I started to appreciate what I had learned. I had a new perspective. Then, our new teammates came and we were in charge of orienting them. We felt like experts! My parents arrived soon after and we organized 2 weeks of fun things to do with them around town, ordered food and asked for directions in pretty decent Portuguese, and were able to explain a lot of history of the country to them from classes we had taken this last semester.

Culture shock had come full circle… what a beautiful thing.

“Your essential tool is your attitude and the way you choose to react to your circumstances. Your most effective tool for your emotional balance is your sense of humor.” (from the book “The Expert Expat” discussing how to manage culture shock)

I can’t say that I’m quite off this crazy train, however, there’s progress. And it feels really good not to be the new guy in town anymore. The language still overwhelms me at times, the smell of the fish section of the grocery store still makes me gag a little, and sometimes I still just want a #1 at Chick-Fil-A!

But there’s PROGRESS. I don’t ever think you quite arrive. Unless you’re a native. And I’m not. I feel pretty encouraged with how far we’ve come. It’s now less of a culture SHOCK and more of a culture CURVE.

Good prep for June…

When we pack up our lives again….

Move to a completely different country…

AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!

Ahhh!!!

Oh well. At least I know the SHOCK is not FOREVER 😉

Here’s some more photos from my parents visit with us. We are so thankful for Lola and Papa John! And so grateful to have been able to show them around “our” city of Coimbra.

They came bearing many gifts! Jiffy peanut butter, Kraft mac-n-cheese, Desiten… it’s funny what you miss when you’re gone!

There’s just NOTHING like having my parents here to take care of me and my babies! It’s the BEST!

We brought them and our teammates to our little church in the country on Sunday. They were asked to come on stage and have Steve introduce them in Portuguese. Culture shock!

I conquered my fear of eating something with it’s head still on… fish! Good start. Still so much to learn!

Steve and I got to get away for a night! We are only 45 minutes away from the coast. Felt like our beach hometown in Florida. Same ocean too!

We gave Mom and Dad a tour of the University, downtown, and a few medieval cathedrals (one included where the first king of Portugal was buried!). Dad kept commenting how old everything was.

One major project Mom helped me accomplish: make 9 meals from scratch and freeze them for a rainy day! (3 chicken pot pies– MAF recipe– see blog from April ’14, 3 lasagnas– Holly and Celeste, yes, still our old recipe from our college days!, and 3 dishes of chicken enchiladas.) Let’s face it, I’m a full-time student with 2 kids and not a lot of convenient type foods— every week there is a rainy day!

Dad counting out his “play” money. LOL 😉 Also known as the “euro.”

Celebrating the American tradition of a “Superbowl Party”! Buffalo chicken dip, pizza, Doritos, rice crispie treats, good friends, football. It felt like Thanksgiving, minus the turkey. Dad was so excited that everyone spoke English! It’s the little things 🙂

Again, so so so thankful for my Mom and Dad! Their visit encouraged my heart to the moon and back. There’s just something incredibly special about sharing your world with those you love.

The Learning Curve

Everyone told me, but I didn’t believe it… until I saw it and heard it myself. “Quero andar baloiço!” She said what?!

1st day of school photos

For the past 3 months, each of us has entered into our “immersion” Portuguese language learning programs here: Steve & I at the University of Coimbra (doing level B1 and A2, intermediate and beginner), Bekah at a local Portuguese pre-school 4-year-olds class, and Hannah at a nursery 1-year-olds class. We are thankful to report everyone has acclimated well. Thank you for your prayers. It has not been easy.

I’ve been fascinated watching Bekah blossom these past few months. Not only did she turn 4 this past Sept, but she’s learned how to navigate in a whole different culture from her own and in a foreign language. She officially understands that she speaks English and will often ask what language a book is in or what language a person speaks. The awareness of such a taken-for-granted concept is precious.

By the end of the first week of pre-school, her teacher Raquel (such a special name!) told me that the other little girls in the class were teaching her Portuguese. They would say a word, she’d repeat it, and then they’d all giggle. One day, as Bekah ran up to me on the playground, another little girl with dark curly hair and big brown eyes and pink glasses ran with her, embraced her from behind, and exclaimed, “Ela fala Português!” (She speaks Portuguese!) My momma heart… just…melted. Yay, Bekah is learning Portuguese!

By the end of the 2nd week, Bekah’s teacher shared more good news. Raquel speaks English and had been communicating in both languages to the class for Bekah’s sake. However, she then started to only speak in Portuguese to help Bekah learn. Bekah seemed to understand mostly what’s going on, but she was often too shy to reply back in Portuguese.

The most coveted playground activity is the swing set. Everybody wants a turn. And there’s only one. This is Bekah’s all-time favorite past-time on the playground too. Well, that was all that she needed: “Quero andar baloiço!” (I want go on the swing!) she announced as she waited her turn. She spoke it when it mattered most! (Not too shabby. I could hardly pronounce that word at first.)

Since this occurrence, she has come home singing songs in Portuguese that she learned at school. Her vocabulary has flourished. Her teacher assures me that when she wants to, her Portuguese is spot on 🙂 And then there’s the occasional Portu-glish “Mommy, I need to go xi-xi.” (Pronounced “shee-shee”, Portuguese for needing to go #1 on the potty.) LOL 😉 I love it.

Hannah continues to grow and gain independence each day. She is crawling, pulling up to a stand, letting go, and taking a few steps before going back to a crawl. It won’t be too much longer before she is walking! She has 6 teeth now (2 front top, 4 front bottom), and a few back teeth are starting to come in too. Besides the babbling of ma-ma and da-da, she has started saying “Olá!” (“Hello!”)

As far as Steve and I in language learning, Steve has pleasantly surprised me. He’s GOOD! He’s blossomed quite a bit. He can order a Pizza over the phone, get directions from one place to another, and can communicate about his day with a native Portuguese speaker.  Steve just completed a 10-minute presentation on the history of Lisbon in his oral communications class. Very impressive.

As for me, it’s been a bit more slow-going. After doing a month of Rosetta Stone language learning this summer, then 3 weeks of intensive A2 beginner level with Steve at the university in Sept, I thought I’d be ready for the long B1 intermediate level in the fall semester (Oct-Jan).  I figured that if Steve was doing well, I should be able to keep up too. However, 5 weeks into it, I realized I was in WAY over my head. No language rules were taught, all classes were spoken in strict Portuguese, and there was a class completely dedicated to culture and history (again, no explanation of language learning, just using the language). Whenever the teacher would ask “Têm dúvidas?” (Do you have doubts?– aka Do you have any questions?), I just stared at her blankly. I had lots of questions and doubts!

After many tears and struggling for those first 5 weeks of the semester, I finally realized it was time to go back to A2. I felt so discouraged at first. However, since making the switch one month ago, I couldn’t be happier. The pace is slower. Grammar rules are explained. (If needed, the teacher will explain in English.) I’m with students who are more at my level. I have felt the freedom to become that nerdy student again and make flashcards, ask questions after class, and study during my lunch break. It’s also given me a greater opportunity to make friends as I sit next to them in class, go to lunch with them, and have conversations about the hope I have in Christ and why Steve and I are moving to Mozambique next year.

Thank you for taking the time to read this update. It’s been a long time coming. This semester has been a bit overwhelming, and yet so full of insight, encouragement, and great anticipation. Your prayers and encouragement go further than you’ll ever know. Thanks for continuing to follow our journey on The Simpson Scoop blog.

Here are some photos at the university:

The graduate, summer journeying, and back to school for ALL of us

Classes complete, tongue twisted, and diploma in hand, Steve aced his first semester of Portuguese at the University of Coimbra. Did we have any doubts that this Master’s prepared pilot could do it? No. But, was it harder than he thought? Yes. He described it like taking 3 years of a language in high school combined into several weeks. It’s not called an “intensive” semester for nothing! He went from Portuguese “ABC’s” to “ I was 17 years old when I went to Africa for the first time”. Yikes! Steve absorbed as much as he could, but we’re both hoping for a good review next semester and a slower pace in the next level which starts September 1.

The University’s “Faculdade de Letras” held a mini ceremony for the summer language students in one of their beautiful conference rooms at the end of July. Royal blue fabric walls, long mahogany table and chairs, and old books lining the walls from the early 1900’s decorated the ceremony room. One of the professors gave the welcome and charge to encourage every student to continue learning and practicing Portuguese. Via Skype or email, the professors would be available to the students in the upcoming year for any questions. 100 students from about a dozen different countries excitedly accepted their diplomas and began the next chapter of their careers. For one girl, that meant returning to Iceland and finishing her last year of high school while her older sister advances to the next level of Portuguese and beyond in order to obtain her engineering degree at the university. Can you imagine getting an entire professional degree in a foreign language? For another student, he was just learning Portuguese for summer fun. For many others from France, China, and Japan, knowing a 3rd language means greater job opportunities.

What a cool testimony for Steve to share why he is learning Portuguese! And believe me, many have asked. He kinda sticks out… he’s the “old” guy 🙂 He may only be 30, but he’s got an average of a decade on most of these students! When Steve shared why he’s there, most are in awe that we’d go to Africa, let alone with a young family. And yet many others have been inspired, saying that they would love to come visit and help one day. We may need to start recruiting at the School of Medicine for our MozMed program and the mission hospital! We’ll see. Either way, being the hands, feet, and testimony of the Gospel is why we are here today. We look forward to continuing this journey building relationships with classmates, sharing our story and sharing the Good News. By this time next year, we will be able to share the love of Jesus Christ in the air and on the ground more effectively in Portuguese!

Would you believe everybody is Europe takes the month of August off? Its like the entire continent shuts down and takes vacation. They call it “ferias”, or in English “holidays”. What a great way to rest and spend time with family. It’s been a nice break for us to recharge, and get ready for everybody’s first day of school on Monday (including Hannah). We took the opportunity to explore the country a little bit and even crossed the border to Spain. Steve and I are learning that our days of exploring Europe look very different than when we were in college. This past month: forget the museums, cultural performances, and late night outings. We found the BEST parks for kids to run around and crawl in, learned how to cut up just about every kind of cultural delicacy in bite-sized pieces (and found the best McDonalds in all of Europe with a huge indoor playground), and learned how to majorly SLOW down and enjoy the ride (literally, sometimes riding the Metro IS the amusement of the day).

We did, however, see some historical sites and eat local yummy cultural food. We explored the Lisbon aquarium, visited a cathedral/ monastery where Vasco da Gama is buried (Portugual’s greatest explorer of the 1400’s), walked through Madrid’s Royal Palace (Bekah kept asking where the King and Queen were), and ate Spanish paella and churros con chocolate. They did pretty well in the car too. Coming back to our apartment in Coimbra, Portugal after some exploring was really good for us. We were all happy to return “home.” Up until now, life in Coimbra still seemed a somewhat foreign to us. What a breath of fresh air to return to the place that we’ve made our little nest, safe-haven, and place of refuge. For that we are so grateful.

Tomorrow morning we ALL start school! Steve and I are in Level 2 of Portuguese language class at the University of Coimbra. Bekah is in the 4-year-olds class of a local Portuguese pre-school and is super excited about it. She is now 100% potty-proficient since learning that was a requirement for attending her school! Hannah will be in a baby’s class at a local daycare near to Bekah’s school.

Please pray for us all in a great ability to learn and understand the language and to be lights to all we meet. Pray for Bekah to make friends well, be bold in using her limited Portuguese, and to thrive in her new school. Pray for Hannah to adjust well to new caregivers, acclimate to being away from us each day (napping, taking a bottle, etc…), and for her to thrive, as well, in her new environment. Praise God for a recent positive report about Bekah’s eye (still doing well, exactly as it should be), solid neighbors who care about us, and His peace in being so far from family and friends. God is good. We trust and thank Him in all challenges and blessings.

Thank you for praying, caring for us, and reading about our journeys. Let the new school year begin!

I say potato, you say batata

Portuguese is very similar to Spanish. It’s Latin-based. Many words sound or look the same as Spanish words. Even the grammar rules are similar.

Óla= Hola= Hello
Novo= Nuevo= New
Batata= Patata= Potato

O carro verde é velho.=
El carro verde es viejo.=
The green car is old.

But, Portuguese is NOT Spanish. And shame on you for using it in place of Portuguese! Leave all prior knowledge of Spanish at the door! This is a completely different language with more than one sound per letter, depending on what decoration is above it, and don’t pronounce everything you see, but pronounce it correctly!

Now, pay attention…

“Avo” is Portuguese for grandmother. As it is for grandfather. The difference? Avó is grandmother, avô is grandfather. Easy enough. Now how do you say it differently? Emphasize the “o” in avó and open your mouth long ways for avô. Or you can just call them by their nicknames: vò and vô

Ahh!!

What about letters with decorations you’ve not seen before? Everyone knows how to spell Mozambique now, right? Well, it’s actually Moçambique. The “ç” is like an “s” sound. Next, don’t forget to pronounce the silent “e” on the end! Ready: Mō-sahm-bē-kē

Good job! You’re getting it.

Now if you’re blessed enough to have taken Rosetta Stone before you start your formal Portuguese lessons at the university like I have, you’ll be ahead of the game with vocab, grammar, and spelling. But, because Brazilian Portuguese won the coin toss for type of Portuguese that Rosetta Stone would do their ENTIRE course in, you’ve just learned a funny, everyone-will-correct-you accent! I know, you were so stoked that milk was pronounced like the Spanish “leche”. Now lose the foreign accent and pronounce it like you see it “leite” (lī-tā).

Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, but really, Portuguese is a beautiful, unique language that you will grow to love and speak fluently in about a year. The best part is: your kids who have much less schooling than you and one of them doesn’t even know how to talk yet will be speaking this language better than you by this time next year.

Oh, and if not, that’s ok. In Mozambique, they say it all a little different anyway 😉

Happy learning!

I’ve been studying at a local coffee shop several hours each week to work on language learning while Steve is in class at the local university. When the girls’ schools start Sept 1st, I will be able to join him full-time. For now, he brings home additional worksheets for me to complete and keep up with him. It’s kinda like never going to class but doing all of the homework for it! I may be learning the “wrong” accent, but I enjoy Rosetta Stone the most. At least she talks to me.

The food is a bonus cultural experience. Not only is it less expensive than Starbucks, the tasty local dishes are made from scratch by the coffee shop owner’s wife and mother. It’s a wonderful opportunity to practice my elementary Portuguese too while ordering.

We have found a wonderful, sweet, reliable local young lady to watch the girls while I study down the street. Ana speaks both English and Portuguese fluently and is teaching the girls as she cares for them. Bekah is a little shy in speaking it back to us, but I think with time that she will be speaking Portuguese a mile a minute as she does with English 😉 And, Hannah? We’ll see what comes out of her mouth first!